I’ve been struggling a lot of late. I’ve lost my way in several aspects of my life. Ironically, just as I got other aspects heading in the right direction, other things have fallen apart.
Physically, I’m doing a lot better. A recent trip to the doctor’s for my annual physical left me scratching my head. I’ve lost over 4″ from my waist, which means a LOT more than that from my belly, and I’ve only lost 15# in the last six months. I’m pretty freaking pissed about that. I am a lot thinner, you can see it in my face, and wrists. I now bulge when I flex my arms, the biceps are getting there, but my triceps are going really nuts. I have deep cuts in my legs, the hamstrings are bulking up nicely, and the quads are getting defined. My back is getting bumpy, and the moobs are shrinking. My blood pressure, heart rate, cholesterol, etc. is all normal, or below. This always freaks my doctor out because I am well over what most would consider a healthy weight.
My diet has improved, but is not perfect. I’m getting fewer urges for junk food, or snacks at night. I had been having healthy snacks at night, to replace the ice cream I used to have. I need to cut back on the red meat, but it is hard to get motivated when you have better bloodwork than your doctor or your health-nut friend.
My sleep is all balled up. I’m awake too late, and I’m having trouble getting going in the morning. I’ve begun winding down early, about 1/2 hour before bed. Low lights, no TV, no computer, no hard mental activity. Still having poor sleep. I’m starting to do some Tai Chi during this quiet time this week and see if there is an improvement. I got to do something. I am so burnt out it is affecting me negatively in many ways.
I have an idea what’s causing this, but there is no much I can do to change it. I’ve been wrestling with a lot lately. I’m on my own these days. I have way to much to do to prepare and not enough time or money to do it. I’ve been having money problems, nothing serious, but I refuse to dip into the credit card. I need to focus a lot of mental energy on my career, and these certifications. I’m frantic with the amount of work I need to do, and the lack of time I have to do it.
Balancing preparing for what may happen versus what you need to do if nothing happens is a reoccurring theme that I think we need to spend a little more time on. Right now, I have a list of preps to do that is well over 200 items long, and these are nothing really crazy. I also have a list of 75 or so items I need to do for my work career to do. I have hundreds of things I need to do around the house to make it better and more liveable. Examples include: Replacing the broken screen door, fixing the plumbing to the bathroom, replacing the flooring the front hallway, and making a welcome sign with my house numbers on it. (I still have the “old lady” one that was on the house when I bought it…) Then there are my hobbies that eat time and in return give me some mental stability and sanity.
There is too much for me to do alone, but I really do not have the time to do the dating thing. I’m on a few of the dating sites, but I am finding that I do not have the patience to wade through seas of bullshit. I need a woman who is independent, not a smothering, bon-bon eating, Jerry-Springer watching, mindless, souless, tween in a 35 year-old-body looking for the ideal co-dependent. I rather be alone then deal with that crap. It is amazing how well these “women” camouflage themselves via messaging. I hate to use the term, “woman” because I think it insults real women when I use it. At least I sniff them out in a few minutes when I meet them face to face. The ones that have passed muster usually want nothing to do with a man on equal footing, they want some mindless boy-toy. That, or they see $ when they find out I have a house, which sets off alarm bells in my head and cools things down pretty fast. I have to laugh at this afterwards because I am underwater in my mortgage by about $65k.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately about freedom. Normally, this isn’t a big deal, but I’ve been obsessing it lately – like a fat kid over cake. The idea is there, in the front of my mind burning like hot brass down your shirt. It doesn’t help that anywhere I turn I see the shackles binding me to this slave’s existence. Every time I spend money I can feel the weight of the taxation’s irons clasp my wrists like a drowning man’s hand. It is tax season, but it feels different this year, it is close and pressing, almost desperate.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough to begin getting that faint notion of what real freedom is, and my mind is yearning for it. I don’t think I will ever experience what real freedom is, I will not have it in this lifetime. I need to move past this, for my own mental health, but putting this genie back into the bottle is proving to be difficult.
Emotionally I am drained. I’ve had a few situations come up that have taxed me. My brother has added a lot of stress in two paths – directly on me, and to me because I am supporting Mum. I am the support network for a lot of people. I don’t mind doing it, I see it as a moral obligation to give sound advice and emotional support to my friends and family. These days I have been doing a lot of supporting, without my own solid foundation to carry the weight. I have friends with marital problems, others dealing with parents with cancer, and others with job losses all relying on me to give them the support they need. Elementally, I’m earth, and this is the natural way of the friendships I enjoy.
I have my own problems and the pillar of rock that is my emotional stability has been cracked. I’ve lost a group of people who I thought were my friends. I’ve been ungrounded, I feel my connection has been cut. I’m now the only one in my circle of friends that actively prepares, and the “zombie apocalypse” jokes are wearing thin. I see the world unraveling, but the confidence of how and when it will actually happen and what to do about it has been shattered. It’s like I’ve lost my internet connection and don’t know what’s going on in the world.
To try to get out of this funk, I have been trying a few things. First, I’m trying to relax before bed so I can get better rest, and have more energy. Better sleep and reduced stress should get me away from the hobbies more and into more productive endeavors. Next, I am in the process of listing everything I need to do and organize those lists by category and importance. I will then focus on working off those lists, a little each weekday, and a lot on each weekend. To reduce financial stress, I will be recovering capital from anything I can and working on alternative ways to reduce expenses. Because looking for a partner is a time and money sink, I’ll deactivate my profiles and go back into a bachelor hibernation for another few months. After a few months I will re-evaluate my time and money situation and see what I have for options for dating.
I’ve been doing a lot of my hobbies (gaming,woodworking, etc.) in order to try to re-ground myself. I’m going to have to let these people know that my emotional support battery is getting low, and I need to have them carry themselves more while I re-charge. For me to share this with these people is way out of character for me. I just hope they don’t freak and get all touchy-feely with my emotional needs. I can take care of mI need to find others of like mind. Conversation and discussion will help recover some balance between the “real” and “prepper” worlds.
Once I can get back on track I will be able to regain balance between prepping and living. Then I have a very large personal project to tackle. I need to do about 100hours of work to research the possibility of having my own successful business. Then I have to do a lot of soul searching to see if I want to do it or not. It will be a lot of work, that is for sure, but by having my own business I can re-align my life to starve the monkeys while reaping some benefits. I’ll have more time and money to prep, but I will be tied to this area. I have to push this out of my mind, I have too much going on right now to dream of being my own boss.
I know there are many out there in a similar situation. We preppers lead two lives, and one cannot be the master of the other. This blog is an outlet for me to give back to the community. I am working on how I can do more, but that is the subject of another post – after I regain my footing.
Tags: mental preparation, preparedness
I just finished putting the last nail in my woodworking business’s coffin. It is with mixed feelings. I love wood. Just got too old to fight the fight. The housing collapse is what lit a fire under my prepping. I could see it coming, I just didn’t see the mortgage/financial aspect. I can’t believe we let it get to that point. I no longer have any faith in government economic policies. I can’t believe we let it get to that point and turned around and gave the perpetrators seven trillion dollars. The other side of the coin is I am free today. My day starts with “I don’t have to do anything”. I have wheat, an old rifle, and salt. Food and shelter is covered. Life is simple. All the rest of the noise is just the closing song of the last act.
Muscle weighs more than fat, so bulking up doesn’t shed much weight. As to that and all the other stuff, don’t try so hard. Like you said, get back to the things you enjoy and the rest will fall into place (with a LITTLE help)…
only you can change you! you’ve seen it in practice and are reaping the rewards. if your freinds are responsible for your emotional foundation; it will have cracks. good for you on tai chi! center, balance and flow. keep prepping and look for new freinds.
I read this last night and cogitated over it awhile.
If your normal hobbies aren’t recharging your batteries, then do something else. I’m not trying to be flippant, simply trying to help you push yourself in the right direction.
What I’m getting between the lines is capital ‘s’ Stress. Figure out (or at least try) which is unavoidable and which sources of stress you can mitigate. Your brother sounds like something you can do something about. Remember, he’s your bro – he *has* to love you; it’s in the Rules, doncha know
so telling him to eff off for awhile, or at least dial it back is completely appropriate.
And for at least a little while, get out of the marriage counseling business.
The other thing I’m getting is Overwhelm. Weekdays are for working, obviously, but the weekends need to be yours. Rearrange your to-do list with the simple easy stuff first (the welcome sign f’rinstance). Print it out and tape it to the wall/fridge and cross out stuff as you do it. It seems silly, but seeing the fat lines of magic marker go down the page as you cross stuff off will do your psyche wonders.
Stop going nuts about the women thing: that will sort itself out, usually when you least expect it.
Lastly, be a little selfish. It’s OK if your advice to someone is “you broke it, you fix it”. Yeah, they’ll get a bit pissy at first, but you’re an adult and you’ll get over it. There’s nothing wrong with telling someone that friendship is a two-way street and it’s past time they contributed to you for a change. Sometimes you need to be a little d!ckish. Sorry if that sounds cruel or crass, but people will keep taking unless you set a boundary or two (I’m also an Earth sign and have been down that road).
Get better. Feel better. Don’t make me drive up there, heh.
When it comes to health and fitness it is important to look at the big picture instead of getting tunnel vision on one thing. Weight, strength, and measurements together tell a far more accurate tail than just weight. You are getting stronger and your midline is shrinking which is definitely the right direction.
As to sleep I have found that upping exercise and moderating (3 cups of coffee is ok but 5 and 2 energy drinks is bad) caffine goes a long way. Winding down by reading for 30 minutes before bed helps too.
As for friends and family one of my biggest personal tweeks for this year is to not give unsolicited advice, to anybody, ever.
Heck if I know what to tell you about women.
yeh, what Craig said. forget about the scale, worry only about what you see in the mirror; which sounds like you’re doing pretty good for yourself.
if you can afford the payments on your crib, then you’re still better off than any renter. i’ve been priced out of the realestate market for thirty years now. don’t make me envious. (i’m hoping this is finally my year… colapse or no)
… and enjoy your hobbies. they are more who someone is than a “job” could ever be.
i have the same feeling sometimes and i want to tell you something someone told me a long time ago. tough times dont last tough people do. you sound like you are burning out so just step back and re-organize(sounds like you are already doing this) you have a great blog, are pretty damn ggod at fiction writing also(wish you’d continue natogs story, but i dont want to pay for it)so dont lose faith. i like the blog alot take it easy and i’ll keep checkin you out every time i get a chance.
keep preppin you help me to stay focused on mine’
P
Thx for the advice. I’m trying not to focus on any one metric with my body, I learned a long time ago that I do not fit into any of the standardized “boxes” that are devised to segregate people. I guess I was hoping that that I would have lost more, because I feel like I lost a lot more than that.
My doctor was giving me the “you got to lose more weight” speech during my physical, and I was trying to explain how I was losing weight. To demonstrate my fitness I flexed and ripped open the BP cuff he had on me. his words were “I guess you have been working out.” I checked my records online and he changed them to say “subject appears to be obese, BMI is inaccurate with this patient.” Guess I scored one against the American Medical system…
Good call with the caffeine, the Iced tea I drink has 1/2 the caffeine of diet soda, but I drink a ton of it. I am now drinking herbal tea for the last couple hours of the night.