I’m re-reading Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged, and I cannot help thinking that I identify with Hank Rearden the most out of any character. With my recent altercation with my brother, and the resulting callousness about it from my mother, the parallels between Hank’s family life and my own. I am not a “Captain of Industry” by any stretch of the imagination, but I want to be. I have changed since the incident. Some of these changes are negative, the majority of these changes are positive. I cannot help but thinking of a quote from one of my favorite books:
I’ll miss the sea, but a person needs new experiences. They jar something deep inside, allowing him to grow. Without change something sleeps inside us, and seldom awakens. The sleeper must awaken. — Duke Leto Atreides, Dune by Frank Herbert.
I’ve always been more cognizant of changes in my personality than your average person. I can feel my mind becoming more focused, more independent, and more aware of how I fit into other peoples lives. I am becoming more obsessed with the idea of having my own business, in order to free myself from the day to day grind of making other people money that I could retain for my own use. I feel that I should benefit the most from my labor. Does this make me selfish? Yes, but only to those who think like a looter.
On a philosophical level, I’m wrestling with the concept of mercy and compassion. My continual forgiveness of Bill’s faults led me to the fork in the road where I could have died. My threshold for writing off someone is a lot lower now that it was six days ago. Does this make me a monster? Only to those who force altruism with the barrel of a gun.
I was sliding a bit on my workout schedule, but no longer. I was taking shortcuts and not working out my abs, and slacking off on other core exercises. Not any longer. Bill landed a few good shots into my left side – not enough to slow me down during the tussle, but enough to remind me I need to reforge myself into a steel billet before I can forge myself into a weapon. Does this make me a killer? Only to those who would roll tits up in the face of tyranny.
I’m expanding my workout routine. In my off days (Tuesday and Thursday), I will do some cardio, hit the heavy bag, and work my abdomen and core. I might ride my bike or go for a walk at a fast pace. If I walk, I will have a rucksack on, and I’ll toss sandbags in it to add more and more weight. I use the cloth bags lead shot comes in, old pants legs, etc to make small sandbags for shooting.
I’m going to swallow my pride and find a martial arts class I can tolerate. I need to get used to people swinging at me again. I need to refresh my hand to hand combat skills. I need to get better at grappling, since that is where 90% of the fights wind up. It Seems all the dojos in my area are either “fad-based” or some derivative of kung-fu dragon ninja kenpo bullshit. The current fads in Martial arts are MMA crap and Brazilian Jujitsu. BJJ is at least effective, where the MMA crap is just that – crap.
I have a few posts on different topics other than my family drama, and I hope to have them edited and posted soon.